Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
