I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
