Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
