My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
