from now on my penis is your penis
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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