I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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