So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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