Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
