So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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