I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
