dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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