so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
