i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
