do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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