i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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