i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
