you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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