Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
