what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
