just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
