birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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