i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
