wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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