My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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