Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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