Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
