I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize