I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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