eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
