i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
