I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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