perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
