sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
