Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I use my feet as sexual weapons
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
