It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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