Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
