at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
