my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
