You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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