We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
