At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
