yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
