hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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