You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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