me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
