Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
