I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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