Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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