Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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