is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
