I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ππ
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