there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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