now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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