just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
