just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
